7 DAYS

We move slower here. No rush, no place we need to be. Not today, at least.

The first days of fresh breaths went straight into my veins like magic. No traffic outside of my window, and my mom and dad’s living room was filled with dad’s old hits and mom’s food. My mind was filled with worries, and the big one was about if I would ever be able to leave again.

I could finally catch my breath. It’s like the marathon I ran in September kept going until that moment when I hugged them last Sunday.

But this morning as I went over to the bus stop, I saw a couple. Our age, but nothing like us. Or maybe they were exactly like us, without any of us knowing. They argued as they were walking their dogs in pouring rain. Her hair was wet, and their jackets were practical.

An hour later I saw familiar faces around town, because it’s Saturday, after all. You can’t choose which faces to see though, that’s the risk of coming home.

I’m pulling my hat down and look into the pavement, as I don’t want anyone to recognise someone who looks like me, that used to live here.

I’m longing for late evenings some place random in a city where no one knows my name. I’m craving chai’s, thank you’s and please. Dirty tubes and disgusting air. My himalayan salt lamps and rituals.

“Is it OK if I do this in English?”
– Omg, yes. Please do.

Relief. 

I booked a one-way ticket home on my way back.

DON’T SPEAK OF MY HEART

“Don’t speak of my heart, it hurts too much – hurts to touch
I’m writing the book each and every day
Take a look at my face, I still need – I still bleed
I’ve been running on empty since you went away.”

Highest high and lowest low. Right place at the right time, and still wrong place and the wrong time. All at the same time, side by side. Blind spots and bed rest, while good numbers makes it feel sooo much better. What a cover-up, what a perfect distraction. Beautiful illusion. Perfectly shaped, in magic corners, cups of hot chocolate and endless love.

“Oh, but how can words express the feel of sunlight
In the morning in the hills away from city strife…”

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

With one heart on my heart to keep from bursting, and the other one on his. A simple touch, but still everything that kept it together. I didn’t dare to look back, not even for a second. In fear of meeting someone’s sad eyes, looking directly into mine, reading my soul. It would have been too much to handle, and I needed to be the strong one. This time, I needed to be the rock, filled with love and safety.

I’ve never been on the first row before. I’ve never been so close to the other side, but yet so alive and far away. But there it was, just meters away. My own sorrow spread from the heart and throughout my whole body, uncontrollable, completely raw.

They leaned over me instantly, to let me know it was OK to feel this heavy sorrow overwhelm me. It was all going to be okey one day.

After all, this too, is part of life. This beautiful, heavy, uncontrollable pain, too, is part of the universe’s magic. For what reason, I haven’t come to peace with. But I will, because I have to, like we all do. We have to believe there’ s a reason for it all. Because without my trust in the universe, I have nothing left.

So I’m sending endless love. I’m wishing you a magical journey. I hope all of your dreams comes true, over the rainbow.

GAMETIME

The Friday night pulse couldn’t keep me away from the keyboard. I’ve missed this, so here we are. Shutting down social media for the weekend, turning off all notifications, stepping inside. I’ve been preparing for this Sunday for months, and my emotions are on fucking fire now – all ready, all according to plan.

It’s time. I’m gonna test myself. On Sunday, it’s go hard or go home.

They say a test like this change you.

I wonder if it will change me. I wonder if I’ll reach the finish line. I wonder how much pain I can handle, when it matters. I wonder how strong I really am, so many years since I last competed.

I wonder if my body can carry me, 42 kilometers under 5 hours. I wonder if my mind can handle this.

All I can do now, is to trust that it can, that I will.

It’s time to have fun, and show that wild girl inside a good time! Let’s run a fucking marathon.
– Wonderw.

WHY THE HELL IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.

I’m thinking about a new creative project. I’ve been posting here almost(!!) every other day for a year, and it’s been amazing practice. I’ve learned so much about myself, what kind of writing I enjoy, picture taking, editing… I’m glad I told myself “every other day, no excuse” – because I actually kept that promise, and it led me here.

“Here”, is a fabulous place to be. I’m pretty sure I can do more now. I think I’m ready to try something new again.

So I might continue to post in bits and pieces. I might not. Maybe I’ll keep it to Instagram. Maybe Instagram dies and I’ll be somewhere else. Or perhaps you’ll see my new creative project.

Or maybe I’ll just… be. ūüėČ

I think the best way to end this post is to share my “life soundtrack”. Thank you, thank you thank you!

I WANNA BE LIKE ME

I was walking the 30 minutes it takes me to get to my crossfit box. It was just a normal day, nothing special about it. As I was shuffling through a playlist on Spotify I came over this one, Adrian by The Mary Nixons. I can’t quite explain it, but I had one of those amazing music moments, where the song and lyrics just MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Music lovers, you know what I’m talking about… When you get that OH SHIT feeling, and can’t stop playing the song that you just heard the intro to.

I got that “THIS IS IT!” moment, and l just had a huge realisation. It was about “time”. Here and now. That I am, in fact, living the fucking dream. It sounds ridiccilous, but I spend so much of my time trying to figure out how to contribute more, what I’m here to do, learning new skills, writing and studying myself and others in hope that it will lead me further down this amazing path.

I spend so much time wondering, that I sometimes forget to stop and just laugh. Because this search, that can be so draining at times, is exactly what I want to do, and I can! Oh my gosh, I am living my 20s dream.

I wouldn’t trade my life for ANYONE ELSE’S LIFE! Shit, did I really just write that? Are we there yet? Honestly?

I think that I’ve had a breakthrough of some sort. I can’t wait to see how this turns out, even just a few months down the road.

I go to bed with a smile on my face, every single night. I wake up to the smile of my partner. We hug, say good morning, every morning. Happiness is gorgeous. I can’t wait to see where it leads me.

MOTHER NATURE

One day in nature: Tired legs, peaceful mind, open heart & wide smile.
More pictures to come, obviously.

It felt GOOD to be in nature again. After watching thousands of summer shots from the Norwegian mountains on Instagram this summer, we just had to go find us some nature! Anything more than a park! Somewhere where the grass is actually green, there’s not at least 1000 people around – and where the air doesn’t feel grey, you know?

We found it, about an hour with train outside of London.

I never thought I would be one of those “I miss nature” kinda people, but here we are! Growth? Homesickness?

Too early to tell.

LIGHT UP THE SPARK

Summer got to me. It’s been so hot in London that I feel like I’ve just been wrapped in a layer of sweat and laziness for a few weeks. The feeling of being trapped inside of a drunk state of mind, not willingly.

But all of that changed. It got colder, and I could finally step outside to feel the breeze again. Mother nature even threw in a little rain, some real wind and not surprisingly, I found art again! Ah, beautiful, gorgeous, London street art.

Art to me isn’t supposed to be sneaky. To me, it should be a statement. Pieces like these, that just screams at me as I am about to walk by. My camera comes up faster than my brain even realises what I’m looking at. See these colours! Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you!¬†

LITTLE VENICE

Welcome to “Little Venice” in London! It’s a magical space of peace and calm, in the middle of busy, dusty and noisy London. I’m absolutely in love! I can’t wait to that one beautiful day, when I can finally visit the real deal in Italy.

SO, WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Do you know what you want out of life? Do you know where you want to be next week? Next year? In 5 years? What about 10, 20, 50?

Who knows, me we not even be here at all. We might be at some other even more magical place. We might just be energy, moving from place to place. Life in itself is strange. We usually go about our daily tasks and all that, but in the end we’re all just gonna die anyway, you know?

That’s what’s makes it so beautiful though, isn’t it? To know that every single second in good company, in nature, in a safe home, in love, in pain and everything else – it will all be gone one day.

Perhaps it’s one of those questions best not to ask, because we simply don’t know what to make of the answers. It’s too big, too confusing, to heartbreaking – but also incredible fascinating.

Like my dad said when I asked him what the meaning of life is:¬†“Here and now.”

I guess it’s up to each and one of us to decide what to fill our “here and now” moments with.

DO YOU MISS ME?

“That we used to catch fireflies in mason jars
And we used to go down to the county fair
And we listened to blue grass in summer air
And we danced all night as the rain came down
And you held my hand as we slept on the ground
And we wrote our names in the old oak wood”

I was probably around 15? I sat at the top floor in mom and dad’s house.¬† This room was like a little cage, separated from the world. My hideaway, where no one else visited. Remember MSN? Remember the time chatting was fun?

I remember sitting there, every weekend, listening to music. When I was younger I used to play a record, put it on pause, try to understand what they said and write it down. I collected lyrics, studied them.

With the computer, everything became easier. It took away some of the charm, but I collect more, faster.

So I sat there, in my own little world, wondering what everything was about, what I was about. Wondered if things would ever feel different.

In some way, I guess that’s a thing that will never change about me. What about you?

LOVE YO SELF

Friday was AMAZING. Ah! Thank you thank you thank you!! I went to an event, a weird combination of meditation, silent disco dancing and intimate conversation – and every second of it brought out a storm of emotions in me!

But when they played “Fix me” from our headphones and we were asked to stand in front of a stranger and look that person deep in the eyes… Game over for me. They guided us to imagine how their day had been, how that other person’s life looked like… Ah, can’t even. Tearing up just thinking about it.¬†

After a while, they asked us to take a step closer to each other. Put one hand on the other’s shoulder. A minute later, we were asked to hug.

Beautiful!! And how weird isn’t it that we rarely do this? What if we actually looked into each other’s eyes more? Hugged? Smiled?

I mean, this wasn’t rocked science. It was just basic human connection, and still it felt overwhelming.

There were some girls that told me after the event, that they thought it was so inspiring to see me just being so open with my emotions. I didn’t want to tell them that I wish I was able to hold back, at least just a bit, haha.

OH! And then this site¬†vanished for like 48 hours! Instead of having a panic attack I just made it into one of those “there’s probably a meaning behind it” moments and took a couple of days off this creative project. I’m happy it decided to come back to me though. Happy Wednesday!

WILD DANCE?

Today I’m trying something new and I’m so stoked! I’m going to a pop-up event here in London. It’s an intimate silent disco party, hosted by a total Instagram babe! She’s all about body confidence, moving freely and letting go though dance – and honestly, I’m so so so¬†intrigued!

So I asked by girl Charlotte if she would join me, as I thought it could be a fun experience to share with a girlfriend. So tonight it’s just us girls, and we’re gonna practise being present in the moment,¬† move our bodies waaay differently than we normally do (we’re crossfit buddies) and see what happens!

Who knows, maybe this will change something in us.

If not, at least we’ll have a good laugh! But what I think is the most important ingredient to growth, is that we try new things like this, explore what first may seem like weird concepts and just let go a little bit.

Let’s see how it goes…

DEEP WATER

I was standing in the supermarket, tears rolling down my cheeks because I couldn’t decide what to get for dinner. It was only dinner, but it felt like the world was crumbling down around me, and that the walls in that tiny Sainsbury’s were about to crush me.

“It’s probably because of that comment you know, that really got to me…”
” It’s so warm 247 and every time I¬† workout I feel like I’m about to die of heat, and it’s only two months left and what if I fail?”
“No, you know, it’s probably because we’re moving and the uncertainty is making me restless.”
“Or maybe it’s just been a long day?”

I made it home. Veggie burgers. Solid.

First thing I see as I lay down to hunt down some words of wisdom on social media, is a post made by Helene. It’s about how having a choice when stuff like this happen. I scroll on, and see a post from another friend, Kenzie. She explains it so well:

“Friendly reminder that even if Sunday is often a black hole kinda day and even if you are full of completely wierd existential angst that comes from nowhere and even if you have been programmed to soothe negative feelings with habits of consumption (phone, web shopping, food, whatever) :

Being Okay With Doing Nothing (sitting outside & people watching or even lying in bed staring at the ceiling contemplating life’s debatable meaning), Having a Goddamn Blue Sunday (because you don’t always need to seize the day or make your soul shine), Taking Care of Your Shit (today was laundry) and also Gratitude (save a Skype call or phone conversations for Sunday night bc you’ll end each session with a warm heart after connecting with someone you miss, a feeling that is infinite and something you cannot get elsewhere) are options too.”

Isn’t it weird how it’s like we’re collectively having the same emotions, thoughts or discussions, even when we’re several countries apart?

I don’t have a single answer for the weirdness that happened last night at Sainsbury’s. But that’s OK. Today was good. I took care of shit.

SPOT FOR THE SOUL

This is one of my favourite places in London. Under Tower Bridge, watching over Thames. A place I can always return, and know that I’ll get the exact same outcome every single time. A spot for the soul.

CARE HOME

It’s not the first time I think about “home”.

Moving from place to place, I’m lucky to be doing so¬†voluntary and not because I have to. So privileged¬†it actually makes me feel a bit ashamed. But that’s a story for another time.

So the reason I’m bringing this up again, is because we’ve decided to stay in London a while longer – but in a new apartment.

Meaning, for the past few weeks I’ve daydreamt about starting a new chapter in these different apartments I’ve looked at. I obviously have to draw the line between fantasy and reality, when it comes to how much I’m willing to pay for a home – but my home is still so important.

It needs to feel right. A home is so much more than just an apartment. It’s what’s in it, what I bring into it, what I can do there, and what the surroundings allow me to. It’s about the life that we can create there.

I can’t wait to find it. I know it’s out there, and I can barely wait to discover what the next chapter looks, feels and smells like…

FOOTBALL’S COMING HOME

This year I’ve actually paid attention to the FIFA World Cup. It started when I was in Norway, as joined the guys watching the games – and I got the opportunity to ask a bunch of questions about how this really works and all that. Can’t really say I’ve bothered before.

But I also have to say it lit a spark in my interest this year, and now I’m obsessed!

When Sweden played against Mexico, we were travelling, but with a 6 hours stand by in, guess what, Sweden! So when we arrived at the airport, we headed directly to the sports pub at Arlanda Airport in Stockholm.

The waiter found us some space at the table where three cool Swedish guys were already ready for the game. The¬†atmosphere couldn’t have been better in that little pub in Sweden, as they also won the game 3-0 that day.

This weekend, I watched England playing against Sweden, at the most amazing place here in London. We were outdoors, there were English flags, supporters from all over, beer and loud singing.

English football culture is something I’ve never experienced before!

I kept thinking about how many people all over the world that were watching the exact same thing as I did. I can only imagine how much is on stake. It’s hard to wrap my head around it, and that is what makes it so thrilling to watch.

I also said something like this to my friends that got me thinking:
– Isn’t it wonderful how sports can make people all over the world come together for an event like this? It unites us, really.¬†

One of my friends responded:
– Well, maybe, or isn’t it the exact opposite? We’re actually creating more space for differences, since we’re playing against each other?

I think it brings people together. Of course, there will always be some that take this to the extreme, but generally! To be celebrating with hundreds of random people this Saturday sure felt like we were coming together. It might be interesting to reflect on why we need competition to do so, but that’s a whole other story.

Will this be the year England is bringing football home? I’m not gonna lie, there’ll be no crying if they get sent home tomorrow evening. Though it would be AMAZING to experience England in the finals¬†on Sunday, in an English pub or park here in London…

SAY MY NAME

Some days it feels like time stands still, and the thought of the world being in constant motion feels awkward.

On those days, it helps me to visit places that express the constant development in colours. So when I was out looking, I met this guy – covering a corner of this wall in white spray, to create something new.

I¬†immediately started wondering how he had been able to decide which piece of art to cover with his own. I mean, who’s deciding what can stay and what needs to go to make room for something new?

Nevertheless, I love the shot I got of him. I also love that this place is only a few minutes walk from home. Inspiration is everywhere, but I think it’s safe to say I’ve found more of it in this city than in any other.